Veterinarians are an important part of your pet’s life. Sure, your family is more important, but the vet plays a vital role too. The vet not only makes sure your cat or dog is healthy but also helps them feel safe in environments where you might not be able to help them. For example, you won’t be there when your pet is spayed or neutered. It’s the veterinarian and their assistants that help them feel loved and protected during surgery.
Veterinarians have an interesting job. They get to see so many cute animals on a daily basis. Of course, they also have to do some things on the job that most people don’t have to do. They cut off a lot of testicles. They get bitten by their patients much more than the average doctor. And sometimes, they have to deal with unpredictable situations like exotic pets or farm animals.
It seems like many days are an adventure when you’re a vet. They often don’t know what the day will bring. Maybe that’s what gives them their killer sense of humor. Because, as you can see from this list, they’re nailing it.
Well, actually, they might text you back but it would just be to ask when you;re coming home to feed them. Is it still called ghosting if it’s done by a cat?
2. “Would you prefer tuna or salmon today, sir?”
We all think that just because their collars have our addresses on them, we own our cats. In reality, we’re their fancy butlers who feed them and clean their toilets.
3. Say that five times fast
Here’s a pun to end all puns. And even if you’re not a pun-like person, you can’t deny this is chuckle-worthy. Are you picturing a Labrador in a magician costume?
If you’ve ever had a pet that had to wear a surgical cone, you know it’s pretty darn pathetic. They can’t move the way they want to. They spend all their time looking morosely at you and silently pleading for help.
5. Every parent’s worst nightmare
Here’s one way to make sure parents keep an eye on their children in your office — threaten to return them highly caffeinated and with a brand new house pet.
Why do I feel like it was a good thing they clarified? What can you do — some people are just weirdos. For the last time, FRANK, it’s pets only!
7. Do you know where your kitty is?
Too many cats have learned about the ravages of catnip. It starts out with a single catnip mouse and before you know it, the cat’s destroyed your family — or at least, the living room.
8. An interesting strategy
I just want to clarify for all my relatives this holiday season — they mean metaphorically pee on something. We don’t want a repeat of last year with Grandpa, okay?
The five-second rule isn’t based on anything scientific, but don’t worry. Your dog doesn’t mind. They’ll eat that dropped tidbit and a couple billion bacteria, too.
With the popularity of “Game of Thrones,” some people might be wondering how they can emulate their TV heroes — hopefully not too much, though. Here’s a rule of thumb: pay your debts and spay your pets.
11. This pun is marvel-ous
One thing is certain: every single dog would be worthy to lift Thor’s hammer. And we’re pretty sure the god of thunder himself would agree with that.
12. Good luck with those hairballs
Having pets is wonderful, but you have to resign yourself to buying a carpet scrubber. Or maybe just going back to hardwood floors would be better.
13. Keeping up with the trends
The Nae Nae was a hot dance craze of the mid-2010s. It was so popular that it was featured on Ellen. Even Hillary Clinton dabbled. Not so sure I want to see this version, though.
No, no, you can’t forcibly sterilize anyone, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t have one weirdo relative you pray doesn’t have any children.
This is a joke only a doctor could make — or maybe a veterinarian who has to administer one too many enemas on unwilling animals. That’s a job no one enjoys.
All jokes aside, spaying and neutering your pets can improve their health and increase their lifespan. As for how you like your Easter candy, that’s a personal preference.
Here’s a throwback to the Geico commercial of the early 2010s. Thanks to that ad, the phrase “hump day” is irretrievably linked with camels. But if you own an intact male dog, you know that…yeah, every day is hump day.
This one takes a moment to get. I think they’re suggesting that you should adopt a shelter pet for the holidays. That would definitely qualify as the “gift that keeps on licking”!
Danielle Bregoli became a viral trend and meme after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” in September 2016 challenging the audience to “Cash (catch) me outside, how bout dah.” Fun fact: she’s now a rapper known as Bhad Bhabie.
20. They make a compelling argument
Shih Tzus are toy dogs known for their tiny size and luxuriously long coats. Of course, they’re also known for their comical name, which is all too easy to turn into a joke like this one.
21. An interesting marketing strategy
This isn’t the worst marketing campaign! It’s incredibly important to get your pets spayed and neutered, but unfortunately, it can be expensive. This vet came up with a creative solution.
22. That’s what I call a straight sell
This vet, meanwhile, had a new version of “sun’s out, fun’s out.” Got to get those owners to be responsible and spay their pets somehow, right?
23. Got to get people looking?
They say half of marketing is just getting people’s attention. If so, this vet clinic is doing it right. And yes, I guess the dogs are technically naked.
24. They’re some all-American pets
I can only assume this sign was put up for Independence Day. Cats and dogs come from all corners of the planet, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be Americans, too.
25. The grass is always greener!
It doesn’t matter what kind of door it is — a cat wants to be on the other side. You might not know it, but it’s because they struggle to face the consequences of their past actions on a daily basis.
26. Every pet owner can relate
If you have a cat or dog, you know this to be true: first thing in the morning, they want you up. It’s mostly because they have to go outside and they want breakfast. But also, it’s because they love you, of course.
27. Great, that’ll stick in my head all day
Any Journey fan would sing this version of the song to their pet. It’s so catchy, I’m willing to bet the vets at this office hummed it all day after putting the sign up.
28. Another celebrity starting a life of crime
It’s sad when fame causes celebrities to go bad, isn’t it? Apparently, not even animals are immune. Teach your pets if they can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.
29. Getting into the holiday season
There’s nothing like including your pets in your holiday celebrations. You can even change traditional Christmas songs to be more inclusive of your furry friends.
30. You other puppies can’t deny
Your other kitties can’t deny — when a pup walks in with a fluffy wagging tail and a big tongue in your face, they get hugged…okay, sorry, I’ll stop now.
31. Plus, they eat the losers
Plus, how would jungle animals even hold cards? I guess monkeys would be able to, but cats, snakes, and parrots, definitely not. Has anybody thought about that?
32. I guess anteaters don’t need a vet
Ah, anteater humor, the underappreciated side of veterinarian jokes. Fun fact: some people do keep anteaters as pets, saying they’re extremely affectionate. Of course, they can also disembowel you with their claws.
This dog is getting a dire warning about what’s coming to him. This seems a little mean — wouldn’t it be kinder to tell him he’s going to the dog park?
This pun has a couple of layers to it. Get it? The alligator is wearing a SUIT, so it has a VEST on, so it’s an in-vest-i-gator…okay, you get it. We’ll stop explaining.
35. Calling all animal nerds
Who said that animals can’t love science fiction? Your cat or dog might be dreaming of serving on the Starship Enterprise and going where no pet has gone before.
36. Frost needs obedience training
It’s never good if your dog makes a habit of biting, and it might be a good idea to look into some professional help! Of course, that can be difficult if you’re a snowman and you don’t have hands.
37. The most interesting dog in the world
Can’t you just picture a PSA for spaying and neutering, complete with a gray-haired dog leaning on a table? At the end, he’d raised a bowl of water and say, “Stay neutered, my friends!” All in a suave accent, of course.
38. For all the sports fans
Patriots player Tom Brady was suspended from four games in the 2014-15 NFL playoffs after accusations of having balls deflated. This vet decided to embrace a “deflategate” of their own.
39. Next time on Dancing with the Dogs
Sure, dogs have two left feet, but that’s no reason they should let that stop them! After all, what happened to “dance like no one is watching”? Personally, I dream of a world where a dog could be a great dancer.
40. He’s the drummer, of course
A dingo is a wild Australian dog that was recorded by indigenous people since prehistoric times. However, it’s not known for its drumming skills or its contributions to early rock-n-roll.
41. No, my cat would win the gold!
Cats sleep on average about 16 hours a day. It seems like they can sleep pretty much anywhere, including places that don’t seem remotely comfortable. So, it’s fair to say that all cats are Olympians when it comes to sleep.
42. The newest Olympic sport
Have you ever sat and listened while your pet laps up water? It seems to take an eternity. They go “slurp slurp slurp slurp” and it’s the loudest sound in the entire world.
43. Is there a story behind this one?
You know you’re in a rush when you try to do a drive-by vet appointment. It serves this veterinarian right for having a drive-up window.
44. They saw their chance and took it
There’s nothing like getting in the holiday spirit! Of course, you have to stick to the theme — and for a vet’s office, a wiener dog is a perfect choice. And yes, they do howl quite a bit.
45. The perfect holiday gift
Fun fact: poinsettias are actually mildly toxic to cats and dogs. They can cause itching, drooling, irritation, and vomiting, so they might not be the best choice for your home during the holidays. Okay, maybe that’s not such a fun fact.
46. It started as Twilight fanfiction…
Okay, there’s actually only one way to spay an animal – at least as far as we know. I don’t know, maybe ask a veterinarian. For all we know, there are actually 50 ways to do it. But probably not.
47. Festive AND to the point
Ouch! This vet is getting a little bit too direct if you know what I mean. Sure, spaying is important, but do we really have to refer to it as whacking off balls? Um, anyway…happy holidays, everyone!
This sign vaguely implies that if you don’t take your pet to regular vet visits, they’ll be struck and killed by a meteor or widespread climate change. I mean, they might be. But why take the chance, right?
49. That’s kind of kanga-rude
Let’s be fair — if you had a warm, dark pouch to nap in while your mom carried you around wherever you needed to go, you wouldn’t leave it either. Who’s the pouch potato now?
Here’s something you never wanted to know (but should, if you own a dog): if your pup tends to drag their backside across the carpet, you might want to get them checked out. They have special glands for scent marking on their tush, which can, well…burst unexpectedly.
51. In two senses of the phrase…
This pun is amazing because it’s actually true — male dogs do become less excitable and more docile once they’re neutered. It’s also, of course, true in the literal sense.
52. When your vet is a sports fan
Here’s an odd but possibly effective way to encourage your animal patients to get fixed — make it about sports. After all, people take sports seriously. Maybe that can be a good thing for these canine companions.
There are a lot of vet signs about neutering, which kind of makes sense — it’s an important thing to do as a responsible pet owner. Plus, it’s just too easy to make a joke about the word “balls.”
Butt sniffing among dogs is the equivalent of a handshake. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: dogs have a part of their nose that lets them ignore the smell of feces and focus on the chemicals of another’s dog anal glands. It gives them a full rundown about them, including age, sex, health, and mood.
55. This better come with the dance
I can’t decide whether it would be charming or disturbing to see a vet perform the Nae Nae while neutering or spaying an animal. My first inclination is to say disturbing, so I’m going to stick with that.
A whippet is a dog that descended from a greyhound. It looks like a smaller-than-average greyhound and is known for being a gentle, friendly breed. It can also run up to 35 miles per hour!
57. Frog puns are underappreciated
Sure, you can think of any number of clever vet jokes, but sometimes, there’s nothing like a classic pun. On a side note, do most people take their frogs to the vet?
58. This core stuff is getting ridiculous
When the common core was changed several years ago, it caused a wave of controversy throughout the American education system. Clearly, even the animals were affected by it.
Remember when every radio station was playing this song? I kissed a pug and I liked it — the taste of its cold, wet muzzle — I kissed a pug just to try it, hope my pet cat don’t mind it…
60. That’s quite a direct request
Here’s a sign that’ll make every adult snort as they drive by while the kids wonder what’s so funny. Don’t worry about it, honey, the vet just loves to see kitty cats.
61. They won’t know what you’re doing, either
President Donald Trump caused a wave of amusement in May 2017 when he posted a tweet containing the word “covfefe.” No one knew what it meant, but the word immediately went viral. This vet decided to jump on the trend, too.
Is this vet a dad? Because that’s a dad joke if we ever saw one. It’s enough to make you groan and roll your eyes, just like you did every time you heard “Hey hungry, I’m Dad.”
Did anyone ask for two puns for the price of one? No, actually, none of us did. But this vet delivered them anyway. Seriously, stop that!
64. But maybe the punniest?
This one was probably back in a copy of Highlights magazine that you read when you were a kid. This vet had better step up its pun game if it wants to stay in the running.
65. It’s the simple things
Dogs are known for their simple needs and pleasures, like sniffing things and peeing on trees. We’d all do well to take a lesson from them. Umm, except maybe with less pee.
