The people of Reddit have yet again asked and answered a common question among pet owners. What rules have your pet instituted that you know must follow? Everyone knows that pets, be it dogs, cats, or birds can rule the house, and this thread is a combined list of their ridiculous demands that owners have no choice but to follow.
1. Smack the booty.
“If my dog stands in front of you, looks back, and puts her butt near you, you must smack the booty.”
2. Don’t scare the snakes
“No shoes on hardwood or tile floors. It scares the baby snakes.”
3. Who needs an alarm when you have a tortoise?
“My Russian tortoise needs to be fed every morning by 9:30. If I don’t wake up by then, he’ll scratch his wooden house very loudly and obnoxiously until he sees or hears me getting up from bed.”
4. Answer the bird.
If my parrot asks ‘what are you doing?’, anyone in the immediate vicinity has to respond with what they are doing. He will throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get an answer.”
5. Eye contact. Always.
“When my 14-year-old grandma kitty is constipated, she needs me to watch her poop. We keep eye contact the entire time. If I don’t she stops trying to poop and does these deep meows.”
6. Anything for the puppy dog eyes.
“If he gives you the sparkly eyes, you must chase him, call his name, and clap loudly so he can run around like a speed demon. The clapping is mandatory.”
7. The wake up call kitty.
“One of my cats likes to be the one to wake my stepdaughter up for school every morning. She runs to her bed and lays down on top of her, nuzzles around her face, and nibbles on her eyebrows to wake her up. We have to do this every morning.”
8. Pay the toll.
“We call it ‘paying the toll’. Our doxie will instantly steal your spot if you get up to go to the bathroom or something, and she won’t move until you’ve sufficiently rubbed the belly. So to get your seat back you have to pay the toll!”
9. Bedtime rituals.
“My lorikeet needs a scritch before bed time, my caique needs a kiss and a whistling duet , and my Cockatiels decode when bedtime is for everyone and will not stop chirping until the lights are out. In the morning they scream their heads off until we get out of bed and go into the room they are in.”
10. Only the best drinking fountain.
“When brushing my teeth, I must leave the faucet on while I brush so my cat can drink from the bathroom sink. If I don’t I get screamed at in the form of very loud meows.”
11. Asking permission first.
“If Gizmo places his paw gently upon human’s foot, human must pick him up. If human does not pick him up, Gizmo is allowed to bite big toe.”
12. On dining with cats.
“Our idiot cat, Potato, is a spoiled princess who won’t eat her food unless someone picks her up and gently sets her in front of her bowl. My boyfriend encourages and enables this behavior, to the point where now if you put food in her dish, she won’t even look at it until she is carried over.”
13. Going outside twice. Always.
“My girlfriend’s dog has to be let out in the morning to go, and then 45 minutes later to poop. She is incapable of doing them at the same time.”
14. The stare down.
“If my Maine coon stares at you silently, he must be picked up and held or you WILL be tripped the moment you try to walk.”
15. Ice tax.
“Whenever someone gets ice cubes from the fridge, they have to give one to my kitten to play with. He bolts towards the fridge any time he hears the ice dispenser because he’s so stoked about getting another ice cube.”
16. Scary sneezes
“If I sneeze, my cat will meow softly and walk over to me and pat my sneeze until I pick him up and tell him don’t worry, it was only a sneeze.”
17. Play dates over people.
“There is no truer love than that of a grumpy man and the dog he said he didn’t want. So every day at exactly 4 pm, my dog lets my dad know that it’s time for walkies. Off they trundle to the local dog park, where my dog has her little doggie play dates. I have to wait to be picked up after my dog has her walk and play date with her other dog friends.”
18. All doors are open.
“No closed doors. She screams at any door which blocks her path inside the house.”
19. Quiet hours start at 9.
“My boyfriend and I pretty much have to shut up by after 9pm or my dog (who is trying to sleep) will groan really loud.”
20. Secrets don’t make friends.
“My pyr/berner mix will make a growling ‘wooooo’ sound from the other room if you whisper to someone else or to yourself. If you continue to whisper… he will come out to admonish you in person. No secrets in my house.”
21. Obey the petting space.
“My cat has a petting space that is strangely close to her food. Often times, if you try to pet her, she will lead you to the petting space where she will roll around and act all cute, ask to be combed, until she decides she’s done. She’ll also go over to the petting space on her own accord and meow quite loudly. That’s her demanding to be pet so she can eat.”
22. Only play with the “right” toy.
“There is a ‘right’ toy to play with that changes every day. You must try all 20 toys until you get the right one.”
23. Snuggle space.
“I have to sleep with my back to my boyfriend so the cat snuggle into my hair while smelling my boyfriends breath.”
24. Take turns.
“My cat kicks me out of my bed by 9am whenever I try to sleep in. On weekdays he prompts me to leave my bed by 7am so he can sleep in the bed.”
25. Anxious for food.
“When my dog hears me getting his food ready, he points with his long nose at the place where his bowl goes repeatedly until I put it down.”
26. The ways of the belly rub.
“If you look at her and she falls over, that means you have to rub her tummy.”
27. Spelling for the dogs.
“The words ‘food’ and ‘bug’ must be spelled, for Gizmo gets too excited as he is smart and knows these mean sustenance.”
28. Bedtime rituals.
“My dog refuses to go to sleep until my mum tucks him in with his blanket and toys and has told him goodnight. He will throw a tantrum and bark for hours if he isn’t tucked in by 8:30 so now the official family bedtime is at sunset just to keep the dog happy.”
29. Let the driveway guard do his job.
“My poodle requires the blinds of our living room window to be opened to be opened by around 4pm or else he’ll start pacing and whining anxiously.He sits at the window and watches the driveway waiting for my dad to get home from work. Those two are inseparable.”
30. Reasons to let the cat out.
“Our cat scratches the furniture to be let out. Now this is the clever part, she only learned that from me throwing her out… for scratching the furniture.”
31. Pillow hoarder.
“She owns all the throw pillows… she doesn’t chew them, just wants to carry them around the house. We’re at the point where I look at pillows in the store and think “Oh… Bailey would love that one.”
32. Yogurt inspector.
“All yogurt containers must be inspected and cleaned before entering the disposal system. I will get the worst looks of abandonment and guilt if I don’t hand them over.”
33. Special spot.
“My pit will whine until we spread a blanket on the sofa for her. She refuses to lounge directly on the leather. And I do it every time.”
34. Dog territory.
“My dog sleeps on the left side of the bed like a human and gets the chaise lounge section of the couch. There is no arguing with him.”
35. Respect your elders.
“If you’re sitting on the couch and my elderly dog stares at you and softly whines, you stand up and let the good boy take your seat.”
36. So sorry to have disturbed you.
“My cat meows at me any time i sneeze or cough. If he’s asleep he will wake up, meow at me, then go back to sleep.”
37. It’s the “older sibling” rule
“When I was a kid, my dog slept in the middle of my bed and I slept on the trundle. For four years.”
38. No one believes this guy.
“This is my husband and my dog. He comes in from work in the evenings, and the dog is the first one he greets when he walks in the door. He talks to the dog in baby talk. He invites the dog up onto his lap. All while he says he’s NOT a dog person.”
39. Gee, thanks, Dad.
“My dad was never an inside dog person. But when my brother and I moved out, he bought my mom a chihuahua. It, of course, latched on to him. I came home from college one night and there were three steaks sitting out. I start telling my mom how I wanted mine and my dad tells me, “we didn’t know what time you would be home so we did not get you one. That one is for Dude.” I had cold cereal while the dog had steak.”
40. Everyone loves routine.
“I need to tuck my dog in, or he’ll scratch the door and whine to be let back in. I need to call him into his house and say goodnight, and before he goes he’ll turn on his back for me to scratch his tummy. It’s our bedtime routine.”
41. Too happy? Not in here, you’re not.
“If I laugh too loud while she’s trying to sleep, she let out this exaggerated sigh. Like, damn, who made you the joy police?”
42. Stop speaking! We’re trying to relax, here.
“If I try to have a conversation with my boyfriend or talk on the phone while my cat is asleep on me she will roll on her back and shout at me. If I still don’t stop, she gets up and puts her paw over my mouth.”
43. How could you possibly deny this fuzzy bum?
“I work from home so I spend most of my time in one specific chair, so he’ll come up to me, turn around so his butt is facing my direction, then look back at me and mew until he gets his butt smacks.
He even braces his legs, he gets into a prime butt smacking stance.
Oh there is even a song that goes along with it that I sing sometimes, think ‘Love Shack’ but love shack is replaced with butt smacks.”
44. Don’t mess with an old man’s bedtime.
“Our living room recliner chair is our dog’s bed at night. If I’m sitting in ‘his’ chair too late, he’ll come over and stare at me. If I still haven’t moved, he’ll gently put his paw on my knee until I get up and move over to the couch so he can go to bed.”
45. Kitty cats do love their faucets.
“When I had cats, we had a sink that we never really used. When I felt lazy, I just let that sink drip instead of filling up their bowl. For the rest of their lives they wouldn’t drink out of the bowl anymore, only front the dripping faucet. Oops.”
46. A car ride every day keeps the grumpy mood at bay!
“If he doesn’t get a drive in the car everyday – that’s right a drive, not a walk – he sulks. If he knows he is definitely going for a drive he runs up and down like crazy and body slams you with all of his 55kg. It hurts but his excitement is also so unbelievably cute that you can’t stop him.”
47. Popcorn knows what he likes.
“When I was a kid I also has a bean bag chair and a poodle mix named popcorn. He claimed my bean bag as his bed and would head there every night at my normal bedtime. 8th grade came and my parents let me have a later curfew, popcorn did not appreciate this and would get upset if we didnt go to bed at my old bedtime.”
48. Once a routine is established, it must be followed.
“One time I made scrambled eggs and I gave my dog a quarter of an egg worth of it (it was just pure egg, no salt or pepper or anything else). Now every time I make scrambled eggs my dog just assumes he’s getting some and guilts me if I don’t. And I usually give in.”
49. The oh-so-enticing sound of the fridge drawer.
“My dogs will run over from wherever they are in the house when they hear me opening the fridge drawer, because that’s where their carrots are. Fridge drawer = carrots, or else.”
50. It’s a sensitive topic, okay?
“You may look at the belly. You may even pet the belly. But you must not…ever…mention the belly. The second you speak out loud that you are viewing or interacting with the belly in any way, the belly disappears and is replaced by a very pissed-off cat. I think it’s possible that he’s insecure about his weight and/or just hates the word “belly” (tummy is okay though).”
51. If Dora is okay, we’re all okay.
“When we make Dora (our dog) her dinner, we have to wait – and watch – for her to finish (yes, FINISH) eating, else we’ll be subjected to her crying in a corner for the rest of the evening/morning/etc. Also, once she’s finished eating, she always comes over and ‘thanks’ us by dropping a leftover chunk of meat in our laps and giving us kisses – appealing, I know. Again, if we forget to do so, she sits in a corner and cries.”
52. This is where they feel happy and protected.
“Our cat had surgery for a broken hip so couldn’t walk for a few days. We carried him around in a soft bed, and put it between our pillows at night so he wasn’t left out and we didn’t roll on him. The space between the pillows now belongs to him. He also likes to sleep with his head on my pillow.”
53. Sounds like a strict household with these dogs in it.
“Both dogs MUST have a treat each if they go out the front door and come back inside. Furry dog MUST have a treat after enduring a bath. Furry dog must have a blop of cream cheese if the human has cream cheese and furry dog must also have the egg scrambling bowl to lick. Humans can NOT say the words “car ride” or “outside” without immediately providing a car ride or taking dogs outside. I fear they are also learning that “Honey, take the canines beyond the portal” also means “outside”.”
54. Bedtime is the best time.
“Bed time is 10:30.
My Great Dane insists that I must go to bed at this time. If I do not, she will come into the room where I am, and pointedly do an exaggerated YAWN that ends with a groan at me. And then go back to the bedroom. She’ll repeat this every 5-10 minutes until I come to bed.
And when I finally do get to bed, the longer it is past bed-time, the louder and longer the groan she’ll make when she finally curls up at the foot end to go to sleep.”
55. What’s yours is theirs.
“As soon as I take my sweater off, it’s a bed. I barely even try to get the hair off before I go out anymore.”