30 terrifying animal mating rituals that will make you glad you’re human

We’ve all probably heard or even lived through our own dating horror story. Because face it, the dating scene can be a very scary place.

In order to put that into a little perspective—and perhaps help you appreciate that just maybe things really weren’t as bad as all that—here are some real horror stories.

The animal kingdom is often bizarre, scary, or just plain creepy. And that’s before we start talking about the mating rituals of some of them.

Here are 30 animal mating rituals that should make you glad you’re human.

1. Angler Fish

It begins with the male biting into the female and permanently attaching himself to her as a parasite. Gradually, their bodies become one—and not in a fun way. Her body becomes host to his while he provides sperm. Until he dies.

2. Octopus

Octopus are anti social. Mated males will live in a den nearby their mates and act as guards. However, other males, known as “sneakers” will disguise themselves as females in order to slip past the guards. Regardless, male octopus take a risk when mating, as the female are often cannibalistic.

3. Hippos

It’s basically a shit show. The male will fling feces far and wide hoping the catch the attention of a female. Farts work, too. And if the female catches this scent of love and it gets her groove on, she’ll poop on him.

4. Flatworms

These sea creatures are hermaphrodites, meaning they have it all—both male and female reproductive organs. When 2 meet, they try to stab each other with their penises in some weird sort of dual. Until one of them gets pregnant.

5. Bonobos

These apes are basically the whores of the animal kingdom. They are extremely promiscuous and will hump either sex. And they are one of the few animals that have face-to-face sex.

6. Clownfish

This will cast Nemo in a whole new light. Clownfish are born as males. And when one has proved itself to be the toughest little fishy in the school—it transitions into a female. Then it mates with the second toughest, which is still a male.

7. Marsupial Mice

When the males reach sexual maturity, the unthinkable happens. Their testicles start to disintegrate. Once this happens, they have just a few weeks to use up their sperm. They spend this time frantically mating, then they die.

8. Nursery Web Spiders

The male comes bearing gifts which are the dead or dying creatures it’s caught in its web. Gifts are given, and sex ensues. Some scientists believe they bring these gifts so that the female doesn’t eat them.

9. Garter snakes

It’s a big old party in the spring when the males leave their lairs. The males form what’s called a mating ball around a large female. These balls can have up to 100 male snakes.

10. Puffer fish

Male puffers will spend about a week making circle patterns on the seabed. These are decorated with bits of shell and can grow up to about 6 feet in diameter. Females check out the art and decide on which they like best—them mate with its creator.

11. Bowerbirds

Males attract females by building a bower out of twigs and decorate a court with bones and stones. When he spots a potential mate, he stands in the court and shows off his collection. However, he arranges the objects so the largest are the farthest away, making it look like he is bigger than he really is.

12. Bees

Mating with the queen is the last thing a drone bee will do. As soon as the mating is complete, their reproductive organ and abdomen is ripped out, remaining in the female.

13. Manakins

This is a competition of sorts. Two male birds will approach a female and sing and dance before her. Then she decides which one she wants to mate with. However, it’s always the alpha of the pair that she will choose.

14. Albatrosses

The albatross mates for life, but they aren’t necessarily together all that time. Each year, during mating season, they reunite, greeting each other with a mating dance that lasts 20 minutes.

15. Humpback whale

The male makes music to attract the female, but he doesn’t do it alone. Males gather in groups called arenas and sing in chorus, spreading out and letting the females know where they are.

16. Lovebirds

During the courtship, lovebirds stay close together, chirping and preening each other. They will best a nest together and even feed each other, and they do this for life. If one dies, it’s common for the other to die soon after.

17. Prairie Voles

The perfect couple. They are mate for life and are very affectionate with each other. They also sense each other’s moods and will react accordingly. They’re also a bit jealous, chasing away other voles of the same sex that may approach their partner.

18. Adelie Penguins

The male looks for shiny pebbles, hoping to attract a female with them. If she likes the gift, she takes it and use it to begin building a nest. The two will mate and continue to build the nest together. However, he needs to watch out. She’s fickle and will mate with another penguin bearing a sparkly rock.

19. Sage grouse

They gather in large groups in the spring, and the males will put on a show. They strut around and puff out the air sacs in their chests, emitting a special call. The females watch and choose their favorite. Typically the most dominant males.

20. Porcupines

The male soaks the female in urine from a distance. If she likes the smell, she’ll mate with him over and over, until he is exhausted. She has to make it last, since she’s only interested in mating for about 12 hours per year. And she is using her 12 hours!

21. Bluegills

There are two types of males, territorial and sneakers. The territorial defend the females while the sneakers approach while the females are laying their eggs. Bluegills also have female mimics who get close when a male is fertilizing eggs, and trick him into thinking he is getting another female.

22. Whiptail lizard

This one will just have you scratching your head. The entire New Mexican whiptail lizard species is female. Is anyone else confused?

23. Hooded Seal

This seal shows its prowess by blowing up a large balloon on their faces. Then the males fight and whoever wins gets the mate. When the fight is over, the balloon deflates.

24. Sea slugs

There’s a lovely term used here. Penis fencing. Since slugs are another hermaphroditic creature, and they have a bit of a battle to decide who will carry the eggs and who will do the fertilizing.

25. Hangingflies

The male needs to find an insect that is large enough for the female to feed on while he mates with her. If he finishes before he does, she kicks him off.

26. Bird of Paradise

The males put on a dance routine to attract the females. The dances are passed down by the father, and the male practices it throughout his life.

27. Praying mantis

The male is lured by the female’s pheromones. Then she will either eat him or have sex with him—or both. The females bite the heads of the males, and during mating season the males account for about 60% of the female’s diet.

28. Giraffes

Is she in the mood? The male giraffe finds out by drinking the female’s urine. The problem is, he’s not the only one doing this and may have to fight off some competition.

29. Garden Snails

Snails have hermaphrodites, each having both male and female organs. Both snails get impregnated, and this is done by stabbing the other with their “love dart.” However, repeated stabbing can kill them.

30. Frigatebirds

It takes about 20 minutes, but the male can inflate the sac in its throat into a large, heart-shaped balloon. Then he waggles it around, while shaking his wings and calling out to the females. The female will choose the bird with the best balloon and will cover her eyes with his wings while mating—to make sure she’s not still on the lookout for a shinier balloon.

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CBC

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